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I cant put back the pieces again and again, i am so tired of pretending that everything is ok when we all know its NOT.
How can you love someone and hurt them at the same time?
How can you let that person believe so many lies when all she needed was the truth?
Why cant you see, she's all grown up and needed some freedom from all this?
How can you tell her she is selfish when you force her to be in between?
Why do you hold her back when she is trying so much to let go and forget the lies that mix up the truth?
When am i going to stop asking questions when there are no answer?
- Location:room
- Mood:
angry - Music:none
I am deluding myself!
got my heart broken twice again and shame on me!
He said he like me, and he made me believe that he can love me! but how come he dint choose me?
how come we walk in the same place, breath the same air, know the same people but be so far with eachother?
Why him? why dint he look down when i look up and hoping that he smile me with those wonderful smile of his wishing that he see me?
why do i repeat hurting myself falling for guys who wont ever, ever love and need me back?
he said he care, he said he can easily fall for me but he cant because he doesnt think he is for me...
MY love story seems very funny, first guy i love dint love me because for him i am like a sister and he be forever be my brother's best friend and forever be inlove with to the girl he chooses to mary two years ago. and now the second guy! who happens to be so wonderful, so funny, so sweet and so smart can love me but wont dare to love me because he got a past history he cant dare for me to know so he rather remain as friends...
i respect that but what i cant understand is that everytime we talk he always assume i am an angel with a perfect life, perfect family when in truth i am as broken as he is.....
why did i fall for him in the first place? why does he love icecream so much? and why do i fall for a guy who loves icecream so much? why did i ever told him that icecream is the best medicine in the whole world? but why does he talk to me in chat or text messages but wont see me for a date or just to hang out as friends?
i am blocking my heart and say goodbye from this feeling inside my heart because he never fought for it...just waited for it to break!...
Bye JG.....
- Location:room
- Mood:
crushed - Music:boyce avenue
2009! scary year and very exciting year for me! am i ready for 2009? most people in my life believe so, many keep asking if I'm prepared and some still got doubts about how I can handle my responsibilities.
AM I READY? 2009 is a year that can answer my future, my career, my dreams and my hopes for the next years of my life. I should be excited but instead i feel like i'm suffocating because 2009 its too much, too much pressure from all side, my family, my friends, the people who works with my parents, relatives, MYSELF included.and i am not even sure what i really want which complicates all matter. if i was sure of what i really wanted then maybe i wont be asking this question in the first place.
Sometimes i just wish to be a little girl who sat in a swing and just feel the wind towards my face and breath, breath hard and laugh at the same time with no WORRIES, NO TROUBLES & NO RESPONSIBILITIES.
AM I READY? I'm so scared to fail everyone, to fail myself
- Location:ROOM
- Mood:
restless - Music:NONE
all my 20 years, i still don't understand why it felt lonely being with my family, why i felt invisible and no idea how to prove that i am worth.
weekend always was my loneliest days of my life because my family don't need me!
In the family i am my mothers disappointment, i am my fathers sick and unhealthy daughter too fragile to be let out in the world, i am my sister's punching bag to humiliate every chance she get and embarrassed me in front of the people or the stranger she knows and i know, i am my big brother's annoyance and to his mind for him i am just a speck of a bug not to be bothered by his time, and to my two younger brothers i am their crazy witch sister needed to avoid every possible chances.
What am i and who am I for them?
- Location:room
- Mood: depressed
- Music:none
so today, i made a vow to myself that if this feeling wont disappear then i will stay lay low until it disappear.
falling inlove means being vulnerable to one self and one's pride! and for now i cant afford to feel this way.
Its the only choice i need to make...i cant fall inlove again! especially the IMPOSSIBILITY
- Location:room
- Mood: sad
- Music:so close
I'm free from you, I no longer hate my self thinking of you, no longer feel so ugly every time I remember the rejection you gave me way back four years ago. I'm so free from you and now I’ve realized how I lost you as friend. I wish I dint fell in love you so that maybe you won’t stop communicating with me and feel sorry for me, for being naive! When I knew that you still get in touch with my sister and my brother but me, I feel ashamed than hurt because it was I who broken that bond between us, by falling in loved with you. I wanna know if the friendship we had still exist in your heart? I wanna know if you be able to forget how naive I am by sending you a declaration letter and embarrassed you, my brother, my sister, the gang and me instead I want you to remember how I make you laugh and how clumsy I am.
I'm so happy that your happy with your wife "congrats" by the way and I’m glad your still my brother's best friend and I’m sorry I fallen for you and loose what counts most is the friendship we had that started 7 years ago, the moment you said hi to a shy, dirty looking girl. I wanted so much to tell you this, to email you of how sorry I am so that you can start communicating with me again, I wanted to tell you that "hey Kuya R, I’m on my senior year in college still clumsy as ever", I wanted to tell you that I’m no longer the mischievous 13 year old girl, the awkward 14 year old, the naive 15 year old and the dreamy 16 year old with a soft heart for romance. I'm no longer a "KID" as what you usually call me because now my mind is set to a goal for ambition which you be proud of and I want you to be proud of me because you were the only one who believes what I’m capable of even though my family thinks I cant do it but you believe in me! so I wish that we can be friends again...I wish that someday out of the blue you send me a message saying "HAPPY,, ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY,hehehe,how are you?"
can we be friends again? Because I promise I wont fall in love with you for the second time... i got over you when my brother told me how you felt for me after you read my letter, how you use my brother to reject me, embarrassing! Hmm, it was! but I still dint learn because I was afraid to fall in love again so I convince myself that I wasn’t over you and that what I felt for you was real, I made you as an excuse and every time a guy declare he loves me I told him I still stuck up with someone, stuck up with you (laugh) naive yes, because the truth I don’t want to get hurt again so I made you as an excuse to escape from falling in love again. And when I found out you got married, I feel relieved (laugh) hurt at first because I was the last to be told and thinking about it now I really am a drama queen. MR. R I hope that in time we can go back as friends.
Your friend
Happy
- Location:room
- Mood:
guilty - Music:none
I’ve been told to some people who saw me in the surface that I am a romantic fool with so much ideal dream about relationship and I’ve been told to some people who knows me deep that I am a very cynical person who keeps hoping for love and yet not believing it exist.
Maybe I am both! every time when someone get close to me I somehow how panic and wanted to run away whether they are my friends or a guy who gets under my skin makes me want to shudder and run to the nearest exit door, especially when I saw in his eyes that he really likes me. My mom keep asking "why don’t I have a permanent friends who I can say forever being with them, and why I have no one friend I can call my best friend?" and my diplomat answer will say "I just don’t have the time" but my true answer which she cant understand will say "I'm afraid" I dint say I have no friends, opposite to it! I have many friends who knows my name and who can joke me around like I joke them but I don’t have a permanent one which I can say forever. and when a guy somehow seem to like me as me and no pretense and no ritual of courtship just plain, blunt like me makes me feel I’m about to commit a suicide attempt of my life especially when the feeling is mutual.
Hmm. I’ve been reflecting myself about this issue I have in my life, trying to understand why I am so afraid to get close to people when in fact they did nothing but loving me as a friend and as a person. (Laugh) I can’t even somehow get close to my family, they love me yes! but for some reason they cant understand me of why I have this independence trait of my life, and stubborn head and they sometimes recognize when I close myself to them and they don’t do anything about it coz they know its a waste of time to console me.
There was a time when the topic was marriage and my friend saw my face who is about to throw up (laugh) ironically before when I was a child I used to believe that wedding is a happy ever after miracle but now I seem to think its the end of the world ceremony of both people who is about to commit their lives of abomination. Stupid!
I'm must be crazy! I so much keep searching for love and just hoping that someone can change my perspective of being cynical and can help me fight this fear. but for some reason no one did change my mind and when someone is about to change and tell me that being close with someone is not really a nightmare I block them out coz I was just to scared to accept reason (laugh) how many time did I experience when I guy told me he loves me and what I did is telling him to "give me more time" "I'm busy today, I cant go out with you" "I'm too young, I’m not ready to be in a relationship" and my very own favorite excuse of all time "My dad is not ready to see me having a BF, so he doesn’t allow it" (laugh) Ok! I dint say no one did change my cynical view, some one did change my view and he was the first guy I have ever said the words "I LOVE YOU" and meant it but he was not meant for me which I knew from the very start of knowing him in my life.
My friends right now knows me so much that I am afraid they can read so much of my expression and they also know I have "RUN AWAY SYNDROME" when they get to close in my life I sometimes act as a bad friend with an insensitive action to show them I don’t care trying to give them a reason not to stay with me if they cant stand my bad attitude anymore like the way I did to some of my friends before (hmmm) but for some reason they stayed and even argue that I am wrong and they are right (laugh) they say I keep testing people to prove if they really love me or not and they say I wasn’t really afraid to commit but more afraid of being let down by people due to all the experience that I’ve been let down most of my life. Maybe or maybe not! But I need to stop this pattern already, because I like having this three unexpected friends in my life and I want them to stay in my life. Coz they help me reach out something I forgot already is "TO NEED SOMEONE" with them I learn to need my family and learn to need them and not felt that I somehow killed my pride by needing them. I may still be afraid to fall in love and commit in a relationship but I am right now satisfied to commit the best thing in life "FAMILY & FRIENDSHIP"
- Location:room
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:stuck on you
i dont know what i want in my life. My mom wants me to be a perfect woman with a mind of her own who doesnt like mistakes, My dad who wants me to stay as a child and not involve myself falling inlove or let alone date a guy. people around me see me as someone whose obedient, caring and who follow the rules because i dont smoke, i dont do drugs, i dont go out at night and do disco dancing, i dont hang alot to men. but actually underneath it all i'm the opposite for i wish that i did all those things or not! but just the thought of it.
truth i want to be free! just free. FREE FROM THE PAIN OF MY PAST, FREE FROM THE EXPECTATION OF MY FUTURE AND FREE OF BEING AFRAID OF MY PRESENT.
I dont know who i am ten years from now...will i be happy of what i am doing? will i be able to trust a man? ......
- Location:room
- Mood:
drained - Music:so close
my life right now is such a confusion. i really have no idea if i really wanted to be a teacher for children who are special. i really have no idea if i can handle the responsibilities my parents are planning for me in the company. so now i'm completely feeling stupid and numb and i really dont know what to do.
my family doesnt respect my opinion let alone listen to one. and i dont understand myself why i keep striving to pass every course subjects when in fact i still not sure if this field is whats calling me.
i tried to talk to them in this issues i am having for this past couple of months but somehow they just think i'm naive to feel this way!
i want to cry, i want to be absent to all my classes, i want to scream for being pressured. But i cant do them because i'm the obedient daughter.
I am stupid!
they say i should be thankful of what i have! but why does all the things consider to be mine doesnt represent me and it feels like i am trap in a world that controls my decision and choice.
- Location:room
- Mood: pissed off
- Music:none
Everyone’s says that no matter how much he made a mistake he is still my "father" and that I’m not the only family who experience such pain and they even say it’s a common experience from most family, does that made my heart better? Does that change everything? It maybe true that it’s not only my dad who cheated and have another affair with other women but that doesn’t justify everything. It maybe a common disease from most family but the pain is very much different, and it hurt like someone keep stabbing you in the heart.
I felt betrayed. Right now my heart is in a sorry state, and very much confuse. It maybe my pride talking when my dad asked forgiveness and I rejected it. Ironically, people think I'm easily forgiving than my elder sister. HA! If only they knew how wrong they are. I'm a person who easily bruises her heart and when wounded its hard for her to reconcile the person who wounded her.
- Location:room
- Mood:
cynical - Music:none
To love its easy, to trust it’s so difficult for me to believe that in this life time someone is born to love and cherish you, PATHETIC! Someone maybe born for you but even though you have that someone already, we humans can never be satisfied for one.
when people talk about how happy marriage life is, I sometimes snort and sometimes walk away because in reality Marriage is never a happy one, more like a "challenging ONE" its a step by step situation, step one new weds saying to each other "I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE" "NO ONE CANT TAKE YOUR PLACE" "ITS A FAIRY TALE COME TRUE OF HAVING YOU WITH ME" step 2, 5-15years of marriage says "CANT YOU EVER CHANGE?" "ITS YOUR TURN TO PAY THE BILL" "WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME TO COOK FOR DINNER" "WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME TO EAT DINNER" "HUSBAND, YOUR SUCH A CHILD WITH NO MATURITY AT ALL" "WIFE, YOUR GETTING FAT" step 3 16-25 years of marriage says "STOP NAGGING ME TO DEATH" "I'M TIRED CLEANING UP EVERY MESS YOU MADE" "DAMN, MY WIFE FOUNDS OUT I'M SLEEPING WITH HER BESTFRIEND" "I LOVE YOU, AND I NO LONGER LOVE MY HUSBAND" "I'M SORRY I CANT BE WITH YOU, I HAVE CHILDREN WITH MY HUSBAND" "WHY DID YOU CHEAT?" "DO YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE" "AM, I SO FAT THAT HE CHOSSES SOMEONE YOUNG?" "MY WIFE NAGS ME, WHILE "SHE" COMFORTS ME" and step 4 26-50 years of marriage seldom happen, and seldom with a reason one 1. Ideally, the couple learn to respect first each other and forgive one another second 2. Practicality, the couple stayed together for that longest time even though there is no love and respect of one another but for the children sake they need to be a couple third 3. Sadly, can’t either divorce or annulled one another.
I'm a romantic person base on what I read and imagine, but if love happens in my way I sometimes run from it, because dreaming in an empty air is a waste of time. I can imagine my self falling deeply in love but I cannot imagine myself deliberately giving him my trust. For me I separate love and trust because loving someone is just like a firework that will make you happy with joy but doesn’t stay forever while trust is a tattoo hurt to apply one and so hard to erase once you have it.
For me marriage sucks, I can’t imagine why people intend to commit such vow.
- Location:room
- Mood: angry
- Music:none
or is the effect of watching love stories which for some reason makes me envy and dream for something i doubt in my life (laugh) i've been watching love stories for three whole week and i'm going nuts. my life is totally boring, i decline a blind date that was set from a good friend of mine because for some reason it felt cheap and not so romantic and for the fact i had a bad experience in blind dates. still that doesnt answer my boring life though, i am brought up following the rules and i seldom break them coz i am afraid hurting people i care about because of my bad decision to break free.
And for this past few weeks i've been missing someone name Joseph, i've known him for two years as a client but we never had a conversation or even got a chance to talk for 10 minutes because he is a client and i dont mix business and pleasure but for two years i had a big crush on him because of his perfect smile that lightens a heavy burden in my heart. LOVE? i dont know, because i dont know him just his smile makes me smile back. my friends told me that i should try to talk to him and be close to him but i cant do that not because he is a client but the reason is that i am afraid to talk to him, afraid somehow he wont find me attractive or afraid he might find me boring (laugh) its my first time feeling afraid to a certain guy i like not like the expereince i had with others like Raj, i confess my love for him after six years and got hurt, with Leo i confess i had a crush on him after three weeks of knowing him as friends and it turn out to be a great friendship, with jason i confess i had a crush on him too after months of knowing him it turn out to be more like a brother and sister feelings (laugh) but with joseph still after two years the only sentence i can say infront of his face is "GOOD MORNING SIR" and when he greets back with a smile i'm like an idiot mute.
JOseph, he is not handsome at all but why does his smile makes my heart melt..
- Location:room
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:treuly madly deeply do
when I was young I fell down the stair hurt my spine, and still get up and even I walk limping I still force my self because even if it was hurting it was embarrassing and when my family saw I limp they ask why and I said I just stumble in the stairs and instead of giving expressing their worries they shrug off and call me clumsy and they forget about it. I suffered two weeks from the pain in my back and yet they dint notice it. second time when I found out my dad cheated no one ever comforted me and no one even realize that what my dad did affect my whole life that I almost end up killing myself and they dint even notice the scar in my hands and how it got there. Why can’t they feel that I’m also weak and that sometimes I use my pride to comfort me because they never will? When I got debts problem, I tried to tell them instead they lash me that "how can u have a debt problem, when you are always thrifty when it comes to money, your even so greedy when it comes to money" they dint know I starve myself to save the money I owe.
and now I tried to tell my mom that I just want her to comfort me, and yet she shrug me off and when I tried to explain my reason of the scariest event that had happen this day she misinterpreted it that I’m to pig headed to accept fault of myself and I should be blame of what happen this day! It hurts allot, I’m hurting so much.
I tried to say what I felt but they never listen. Why am I still hurting? I should get used to it right? Since young not one of your families did try to comfort me, what they see in me are all my faults and troubles I created. I wish that I’m pregnant right now so that it’s a slap on their face.
Both my parents trusted and respect my elder sister's worth in the business and in the family, my dad is so proud of my big brother, my mom show so much love of my two younger brother and even spoil them for anything they wanted so what about me? my dad look at me like I’m the most weakest daughter, my mom looks at me like a useless daughter with no brain at all, my sister look at me like I’m beneath her, my big brother look at me like where do I come from?, my two younger brother never had respect for me at all.
I'm pathetic! I know they love me, they just can’t see my worth or I don’t have any worth at all. No matter how high are my grades, I can never see their eyes of how proud they are for me, no matter how I accomplish some of the activities in the university they always think it’s a waste of time and they don’t even want to hear some of the events I joined.
Maybe I am really useless, what’s the point of proving me to them when they already see me that way.
- Location:rom
- Mood: rejected
- Music:none
Yes I am weak but that doesn’t mean I give up easily. I'm tired being compared to someone who won everyone’s admiration. maybe that’s why I don’t want to work with my parents business because I don’t want my sister to be my boss, and I don’t want to envy her for being her. She is flawless and beautiful. she knows that men kiss the ground she walks, I am happy that she loves the attention and I don’t envy that God knows I hate being everyone’s attention but what I envy most is that no matter what I do to prove my parents my worth they still think I’m weak and childish and naive. That hurt!
I am their daughter; their blood runs in my vain too. I may have a face of a sweetest lady whose only job is to marry and make babies but that doesn’t mean I’m not ambitious, I too have a dream just not what they want from me! All I want for them is too look at me with the same respect they given to my sister. I don’t want them to protect me all the time, I want to experience mistake and struggle to make things better so then I can somehow feel that I am worth a person to walk with my head high.
Why can’t they do that? Am I really naive and weak? Sometimes I felt useless being with my family even though there was never a question how much I love them but still being in their presence feels lonely. The worst thing is when imp with the presence of their friends, they talk to my sister like someone they admire and trust and they don’t even realize I am there because I wasn’t worth to look upon. Sometimes my name is easily forgotten, people often call me by my sister's name because they can’t remember my name or they thought I am my sister. The first time happen I tried to correct them but it never changes so I let it be and beside what was the point!
I don’t hate my sister, I just felt sorry for myself. I just want to be recognize as a person and not the second best or the weak daughter of my father's eyes. my friends said what makes me weak was being too kind and forgiving, I let people take advantage my personality of being too nice while my sister use her mean personality to gain people respect and show her good side when she feels like it so she cant be easily fooled. I guess my friends were correct on that assumption and that proves how I and my sister are like oil and water. I am the plain obedient daughter, the one who keeps her emotion inside while my sister is the most beautiful daughter who say what she wants to say positive or negative doesn’t matter she say right through your face. I am the ice she is the fire and from what I read about, everyone always notice the fire than the ice.
Still! my sister has many admires, every male here falls for her, wants her attention, trying to impress her and most of the guys I like who first given their attention to me but when they saw and met my sister they easily change of heart. and my sister always say to my face "I Dint force them to like me that much" and I cant blame her for who she is, I mean what is the point!
But two days ago, even though I already known being everyone am second best but it still hurt! my parent's friends arrive yesterday, they forgotten that my parents had a second daughter even though they met me a year ago and my dad explain was more embarrassing telling them "she doesn’t socialize, not like her elder sister"
I am suppose to be angry instead I am sad and I wanted to cry so much but I only waste myself a tear. I guess I am weak and not worth everyone's eyes
- Location:room
- Mood: depressed
- Music:none
I usually lie but not on the expense of hurting other people but now days I'm starting to lie and at the same time hurting people.
I live following what right and preventing myself of doing a big wrong decision of my life to avoid disappointing the people I care.
I felt like a hypocrite of hating women who fall for a married man when right now I've been dating a guy who has a girlfriend. Am in love with him? My answer is simple and it’s a NO. But why are we keeping it a secret? The answer! Maybe for some reason I like the thrill of secrecy, it highlights my boring life.
Maybe BLOOD IS REALLY THICKER THAN WATER, I turn out to be the descendent of my ancestor after all.
Going out with a guy who already is committed with someone is like degrading yourself as someone who is a fool and dumb!
The guy and I define our relationship as friends but we keep sending message more than friends. And I know for a fact that his GF doesn’t know that he and I sometime go out together.
- Location:room
- Mood: guilty
- Music:none
His face, his name doesn’t hurt me anymore, even if someone mentioned him my heart doesn’t ache!
I close my eyes trying to think of the moment with him and all I can imagine is a blank image...
someone ask me if I’m still in love with him, I used to try in deny and saying that I’m over him and trying not to cry, but when this friend asked me the question I felt the joy of saying I’m no longer "INLOVE"
I'm back to dating already. It’s a start!
- Location:room
- Mood: thoughtful
- Music:none
a saying I once heard said "YOU CANT CHOOSE SOMEONE YOU LOVE, BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE" I mean are they satisfied to be given the half world of the person they so called love, and what so insulting is that, the half world is something to be embarrassed, something to hide! And if it is really love why it is been hidden and not be shown and as far as I can really believe "LOVE IS THE GREATEST GIFT, NOT TO HIDE BUT TO SHARE AND CHERISH" so I can’t understand why! Why did they claim they're in love when in fact they're hiding it!
Why are they’re selfish? I know I have no right to judge their feelings but as one of their victims, that one of them almost destroyed my family have me the right to hate and to judge them! Because they have no right to hurt families and wreck them and they do not deserve something good! And I have the right to hate them for as long as I live!
Why am I not only blaming the husbands? Well! I blame one, and that one destroyed my view about relationships and made me cynical but one thing that got me thankful about this, is somehow realizing that everyone lies, everyone cheats even those who you love! It reveals me the truth and I don’t regret meeting it!
What I view about marriage is a prison cell! I fear it and I don’t believe it! And if somehow I'm in love I won’t marry him and I won’t let him marry me! (LAUGH) because I know for sure it runs in the family, it runs in my blood to cheat! Or my husband will cheat! And either way thinking about it hurts a lot, especially if there are children involve!
I was that child; I was that child whose fairy tale got broken! I was that child who comforted her baby brother because their dad and mom are deciding to end their marriage; I was that child who was asking to choose between mother and father! It might be common story and old one, but having to experience it, twist everything you believe in.
My sisters told me that I shouldn’t give up love because are parents dint! And their mistake made them close and love more each day! And it’s true, my parents forgive one another's mistake and end up loving like it’s the first time they met. But I can’t forget the years of knowing my dad cheated, I forgive him as the father but somehow I can’t forgive him as a man!
So I cant blame him, I blame the one who started it! The "other woman" and their kinds. Even if they say its love, but seem to me it’s more like lust! Because if you love someone, you wanted that someone to do the right thing and not be swept by passion of lust. If you really love someone you are the one who let go first and that’s what you call "WORTH THE PAIN"
- Location:room
- Mood: crushed
- Music:none
Except the clients in my working place, they keep asking when my semester ends and some of them notice something different about me. (LAUGH) but again it was fortunate that no one ask about it!
I can’t explain the day, because the day was simply a force by nature which wakes me up of telling me I'm not a boring person! And I'm not really a good person and especially being the obedient one! I was scared at first, it was a long hour trip and chances are that every second of our lives counts and change everything whether you like it or not. and the worry me always telling me that "I NEED TO BACK OUT FROM THIS TRIP" "I'M BEING SELFISH" "ACCIDENTS MIGHT HAPPEN" but my adventure side of me keeps contradicting my Worry me saying "I DARE YOU" "YOU WILL ALWAYS ASK THE IF WORD" "DONT LET LIFE PASSESS YOU BY" "CARPE DEIM" so my oppressive adventure side won!
I was really scared by the thought of going to an unknown place with little money as the means for emergency and the bus we were riding was so scary, it was fast and it keeps bouncing and I felt it because I was sitting on the last row of seats and believe me it was really scary! I felt that the bus was flying and ready to crush! ahh! But when we reach the goal, it was beautiful and very back draft kind of place! But still it was beautiful and crazy! And I had a lot of fun!
ANY REGRETS? NO! I needed it! To run away even just for one day! Coz every day I felt suffocated from my life but it doesn’t mean I hated it, is just its too safe and comfortable and its driving me crazy! And now I FELT FREE, I know this feeling wont last but at least for just a day of moment I FELT FREE!
“I WAS BREAKING FREE!” about my problems, my parents plan for me in my future, about Raj knowledge of his marriage, about my life ambition. Which this day felt really good! Dangerous but damn! I had a wonderful immature ESCAPADE
Should I tell my parents the truth? I don’t know yet, because if I do it will cost a lot of anger! Maybe someday when my parents are giving me a life to decide but not today! Definitely not today!
I need to end this adrenaline rush or else I might get caught! (LAUGH). I still know that what I did was completely irresponsible and stupid, I know it THEN and I know it NOW! But if I wont do it, I will live a life of “FEAR TO TAKE CHANCES”
This is just a beginning, we might never know when my adventure side will kick in, but I hope it will happen more often and I hope I won’t hide it anymore!
“ADVENTURE IS MY DESIRE TO BE FREE! WORRYING IS MY NEED TO SURVIVE!”
- Location:ROOM
- Mood: energetic
- Music:i want to break free
I'm so tired, being called the nice girl! The obedient one! The Good daughter, the responsible student! And it’s driving me insanely crazy! And thinking about the trip gives me scary and thrilling feeling! I must be crazy allowing myself to go to a dangerous place and to lie about it! I mean I lie white lies but it won’t hurt me or any of my family because I lie to protect them but now! I must lie to protect me! Because I needed it! I'm tired of working my butt off just so I can earn and pay my debts which my parents and my whole family dint know and because I keep counting and earning for money which makes them think I'm so greedy because I cant seem to let them borrow and if I let them borrow I keep asking them to pay and they keep telling me how greedy I am and they never even know that I have debts because if I tell them they wont even believe it and at the same time I cant tell them because my pride cant handle it. My grades are falling down and I'm going nuts with all the projects I need to finish. And every group projects really drives me nuts because I'm mostly act as a leader and my group mates take advantage of that for they know I don’t trust them so I work everything. My closes friends Burpy and Pung-g makes me love them and felt ashamed, because they keep telling me how responsible I am and I really want to tell them about my debt problem but they keep telling me how responsible I am, felt so embarrassed even though I know for sure they will help me but my pride tells me not to tell them.
So I need this trip! So just for one day I can forget all of my problems and just for once I live a moment of freedom. I know its seems like I’m running away but every once in a while one must need to run to find a reason to stop running. I'm tired of my dad's protective actions of monitoring my life by treating me like a five year old who wants to know when and where I go, who wants to know what I ate and who I'm with. I love him by keeping me safe but I'm 20 and I need to get out of my shell, I need to make a mistake so I can learn from it. I'm tired of my mom telling me that to be strong one must do a million task to accomplish success, one must make impossible adjustment to be smart and she keep telling me that someday I will take over and run the financial business of the family, be the boss of my brothers and my sister and as the good daughter I just nod but the truth I wanted to build my own business from start to finish is not that I'm not thankful of the family's business, because I am but its just I want to build my own. I tried to tell them but it seems they won’t listen!
I know what I will do is wrong! And dangerous but if I wont do this I will regret it for the rest of my life. The last time I made a leaping, impulsive choice of action was the they year I found out my dad had another woman but it was an act of anger but now I'm doing this not by anger but for desperation because everyday I wake up I felt numb! I drive romance away, I drive myself away! I felt like a little mermaid with no choice to walk on life because I have fins instead of feet. Its funny that the only time I felt alive was the years I waited for Raj to love me because those years brings me a reason to hope but now that I am over him every reasons seems to fade away and left me feeling numb. I felt drain and my friends notice it already; they say my smiling sunlight smile is no longer there. They say my smile is a sad smile or a force smile and the "happy" name they gave me is no longer appropriate for me because my happy smile can no longer make people feel happy like I used to do. And the excuse I can give them is that I grow up and a "happy smile" is for kids who still believe happy endings and I am no longer a child and I pretend to laugh by making excuses.
If I do this maybe this action could help me not fear love and just go for it! Or this action of choice can make me stand up of my decision and tell my family how I want to live my life. I found out that to trust a person must first trust her/himself so that she/he can love with no doubts.
- Location:Room
- Mood:
anxious - Music:none
we lie because we are afraid to get caught or afraid to be judge......
- Location:Room
- Mood: crushed
- Music:none
